DeAresT CaSsAnDra... (tHe rAiNe wHispPeRs)

back-forever not returning

2005-12-02T14:47:00.000+08:00

i'm back. so down. just can't put it into words. tried to cover the feeling up by sleeping till 6pm every day, and spending the rest of the time myself non-stop till 3am. my sis told me, "you know, if you ate a little less, you'd be less unhappy."
"WHO SAYS I'M UNHAPPY?"
"aren't you unhappy cos you can't move properly?"
omg. i know i'm fat but i didn't realise that i was so fat that i look like i have difficulties in moving. geez. trying to keep myself occupied to block out this...sadness...wanted to do charity work but since I'M TOO FAT TO MOVE ABOUT i decided that it was a bad idea. so i voluteered to do the dishes. and the ironing. and somehow my dad expects me to vacuum AND mop the floor too. bloody hell, why did i do such a foolish thing? bored? can always go somewhere....why why why do housework?
anyway, my parents must have been a little concerned cos they asked me if i wanted to go back to perth for a few days to see my friends. i couldn't. cos if i did, i might never leave it. ever...

hibernation

2005-07-08T02:39:00.000+08:00

in school, i'm known for my sleeping. random aussie girls come ot me and say, "whenever i look at you, your head is always on the table, face down" or "i remember in Mr Ford's class last year, you were sleeping everytime i looked at you.."
hey. i concentrate better with my eyes closed ok? fine. i admit i like sleeping. boarders claim that me and my friends hibernate. haha. no we don't. its like over 30 degree celcius here and i'm still sleeping. i reckon its coma. or maybe its chronic fatique. i've been forced to take blood test for glandular fever. dunno how i got it. or do i? possible. forgot to collect the result of the blood test so i guess i'll never know. it lasts for a week but the fatique can last for years. scary?
i think its too late but i should've applied for the special conditions thing for the TEEs. i suspect i have difficulty in concentrating after 1 hour. otherwise, why would my exam marks drop by 20% at least?
the DJ on 98.7 form 11 to 2 has a real fucked up accent. i know that mine isn't that great either, but its a result and accumulation of the people of different races i've met...korean, american, canadian, indonesian, hk, china, indian, saudi arabian, english, and the list goes on. so i have an excuse. that guy's? plain fucked up. i wanna ask him if he's related to....d..nevermind. xuan would probably know who i'm talking about...
its three am. not studying. should be, everyone around me are bucking up. i definitely should.

boring

2005-07-06T01:45:00.000+08:00

my blog is so fucking boring. but then again, my life is boring.
want some juicy details? no point-everyone knows thanks to my babbling mouth.
like...
how i went to church and i saw this really cute eurasian guy? and i went home, swearing to diet and keep in shape so that i wouldn't be such an eyesore for His Hotness if by some fat chance he would look my way...2 hours later i had forgotten what he looked like and felt that i got a little carried away as a result of reading too much of Jane Austen..the end. didn't even bother to exercise.
not my fault. being locked up in a boarding house is so freaking boring. and security is so tight that you have to SIGN OUT when you do laundry. hello? is it just me or has it been suddenly established that the laundry area in the boarding house is considered not a part of our school? huh? this i HUMBLY ask you, mary.... and innocent little doreen, do you sign out when you're freaking doing your laundry?

back again

2005-07-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

back in singapore again. yup!! its funny cos the last time i blog was when i returned to perth!! boy, time goes by REALLY quickly when your "death" is waiting for you. maybe not death. maybe its more like eternal doom.
i've wasted a whole year being an idiot. not studying. playing. and for once i know that unless i buck up, there is not going to be a miracle ending.
not anymore.
maybe i'm old enough to know how to do the right thing.
maybe i've enjoyed life a little too much this year.
maybe my luck has run out.

anyway, went out with emma mcDonald and her dad today. it turned out to be a very pleasant experience. maybe even fruitful. was enlightened many times.

back in perth

2005-06-07T14:39:00.000+08:00

sigh. back again-homesweet home. i got back yesterday, taxi driver was bery nice, he gave me a lolly. got locked out for being too early with a couple of other girls and froze for a few minutes before the boarding mistreses arrived. did laudry twice cos i forgot to add washing powder for the first time....changed bedsheets(i hate that cos i break a few nails each time)....ironed clothes, unpacked, cleaned desk...all the while listening to classical music...oh yeah.... and ate a whole lot of my roommate's food..
after everything was done, i snuggled in bed and continued reading my book in my 100 per hour speed and planned to finish my 600 paged book...however, was interrupted by Leah who had brought the dvd "life is beautiful"......and so we watched it on my bed. when it was done, we joined xuan to watch a korean dvd where i saw my future boyfriend.....yup, its gonna be him or someone like him anyway...it was 1am when we had fininshed the movie and i read a little bit more, then slept..

this morning...
heard this od voice nagging and nagging and nagging beside my bed and i was like.....what the hell is going on....shut up...and then

it hit me. i'm back.

8.20
i was walking out of my room, comforting myself, praising myself for every brave step i was taking towards doom itself, and suddenly, i just
dropped
180 degrees flat on the floor a few steps from my room.graphics calculator, books, on the floor..everywhere... it was then i knew, despite having a free during the first period and another free during the last, it was going to be a shitty day.
indeed i was right...mum calls me an old woman for being so into superstition but its not that-> its called gut feeling......geez.

quote of the day

2005-05-28T01:26:00.000+08:00

i was at the computer, and the mouse just wouldn't "roll" correctly..and i was slamming it against the table subconsciously when Leah looked and asked:

DON'T YOU JUST WANNA F**K THE MOUSE?

i was too amused to reply but Jaq said rather thoughtfully..

"wanna f*** the mouse? that's sad...."

three more to go

2005-05-27T19:16:00.000+08:00

day four

2005-05-24T18:05:00.000+08:00

day four (last day of study vac)
so... i wanted to wake up at like 6. reasonable right? but i woke up at 12 instead. it is like 6 pm now. and the thought that i couldn've studied for double the time that i've studied is killing me. and what's more.. i spent 2 hours on making my lunch and another 1 and a half hours at bayview or bumming around doing goodness knows what and half an hour studying and half an hour having dinner and here i am. so i studied only ................. half an hour. its sad, i know.

day two

2005-05-23T17:16:00.000+08:00

ok.. i know that its actually day three here but i'll just write about day 2 first...
-didn't study at all
-went to the riverside and took gorgeous pictures of this nature-mixed-barbie world that i live in...
-witnessed barbie pink then violet sky by the riverside with all the boats just spread out everywhere on the river, bobbing ....
-15 minutes late but didn't get caught
-had "study camp" where we all *ahem* a bit, forcing dirty gossips about the loser boy's school next door from our junior who had just won over one of them...
-leah and jaq camped over (did a little work from 2.30 till 4.30)
.
.
.
.
woke up and its..DAY 3 OF STUDY VACATION!!!(at 12.30)
basically did nothing--even worse than yesterday...its like 5.20 now....gotta go!!!!!

1st day of study vacation

2005-05-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

1st day of study vacation
thought i might wanna record this.
dad woke me up at 7 but obviously i went back to sleep
i fried myself an omlette in the in the common room, started to do a bit of chem and then went down form lunch. straight after lunch, i brought lunch up to leah and jaq who were still asleep as they had been studying till 3am the night before.
i ate up half of their lunch.
studied till dinner time.(quite enjoyable really, and really relaxing)
had dinner, went back up and and made myself a curmpet and a peanut butter toast
then took a three hour nap.
started work and roommate started talking to me
told neighbour to lower the volumn of her music and felt hell guilty about it as we were noisy as well
ended here typing.
i really hate it when then answers on the answer keys contain totally irrelevent stuff. its like a 1 mark question and they write a paragragh on things linked to the 3 word answer. i suppose the teachers are trying to get more of the stuff in our heads but it just reminds me of a desperate student trying to impress the teacher by spilling everything she knows on just a question. reminds me of me when i didn't study and i just crap as i have no substance for my answer.

my poem inspired by G.H

2005-05-20T16:40:00.000+08:00

childhood memories 1

a feverish rosy glow drown the room
a mixture of fire, violets, caramel,
unreal, just giving the feel of doom
confused, disorientated, for ma i yell

a familiar slender figure tip toe to my side
and sweeps me up to the window
shhh..she softly whispers and points to the sky
swirls of fruity ice cream and a water colour rainbow

i still don't know, just cannot grasp
just what bothered me so deep
was it the time, was it the beauty
stolen from me in
my drowning sleep?

sick

2005-05-11T22:58:00.000+08:00

first time going to school for days even though i'm sick. that's cos i didn't know that i was sick. sister was so impressed she told eveyone that i'm really "stoic". missed a lit test today. didn't go to scho in fact. that's cos i've been having temp of 38.6 for days. went to see doc and he gave me two days mc. dunno if i wanna skip tml as well though. and just like that my fav day of the cycle was missed. its the day where i have religious ed first period, then house activity after lunch and also a free right before school ends so its like early dismissal. been looking forward to it since eight days ago. so sick. not. funny thing is that i'm not suffering that much. maybe its gonna come later (which i hope not). i'm on antibiotics now. damn i hate those things.

help me

2005-05-09T11:24:00.000+08:00

thought i have to record this down, tomorrow will be thhe shittiest day ever, lit oral, physics pract and chem test on acids and bases which i absolutely loathe..haven't studied for any yet..gonna have nervous breakdown soon....last night me and my roommate woke up for at least 4 times each cos of our alarm clocks which kept trying to wake us up..of course we didn't..worse thing was that everytime it rang i was fully awaken and i TRIED to fall back to sleep!!! suicide.
this morning i slept through bio and the teacher saw and described me in a state of "deep unconsciousness".....

gwen harwood poems again

2005-05-05T16:26:00.000+08:00

taken from Gwen Harwood's poem "Panther and Peacock"
(for violently stressed people who wanna do something destructive)
.
.
In this twilight hour
the earth blooms velvet-soft, while its immense
authority of volume fails and dies
with the clear colours of substantial day.
Now the sharp iconography of sense

declines to vague abstraction, let your eyes
socket the blaze of Venus, through the play

of leaves in the last branch-caught stir of wings....

sigh

2005-05-05T16:20:00.000+08:00

i should have had my chem test today rather than to take it next week, adding to my 5 horrifying tests that are to take place. but it was jaq's b-dae yesterday and we kinda celebrated it with chips, cake, alcohol-less wine and pizza. and cos of all that i didn't get to study.
today, at the library, people asked jaq whether we celebrated her b-day and she said er...not really. at that , i practically howled out loud and attracted many stares of disdain. gonna go out tml adn celebrate it formally again with karoke and other stuff.

Alter ego

2005-05-03T13:25:00.000+08:00

Alter Ego by Gwen Harwood
...
...
...
In half light i rehearse Mozart's cascading thirds.
Light's lingering tones disperse.
Music and thought reverse
their flow.Beside dark roots
dry crickets call like birds

that morning when i came
from childhood's steady air
to love, like a blown flame,
and learned: time will reclaim
all music manifest
Wait, then, beside my chair

as time and music flow
nightward again. I trace
their questioning voices, know
little, but learn, and go
on paths of love and pain
to meet you, face to face.

how would you feel?

2005-05-02T14:38:00.000+08:00

truckloads of work coming...its kinda overwhelming actually.i had just somewhat convinved myself that i was not going to die this week when i realised that i've got yet another test that i did not know of!!bio!! come on!!give me a break...i just had one last week!!! How would YOU feel???

riverside

2005-04-28T22:00:00.000+08:00

The riverside..one of my favourite places in the world...inspired entirely and solely by gwen harwood, here is what i think of it...(in fact i just twisted some of the words so that it could be applied to me..)

Sing, memory, sing those seasons in the freezing
suburb of claremont, a nature's wonderland
with tree ferns, gumtrees, diamond skies and eye-soothing
prospects from paths along the soft golden sand

before crazy cramming we two went climbing
like fairies or blessed spirits in winter light
with the quiet pulse of ocean river water chiming
as if all these months away from home were one long dreamy night,

above the leafy dazzle of the streams,
to fractured rock,where water had its birth,
we stood in silence, at the roots of dreams
content to know, we can walk the earth.

first day of school

2005-04-28T09:53:00.000+08:00

first day of school was pretty smooth. my marks for the previous round of tests were-bad. my decision that i made yesterday was-bad. but things went pretty smoothly. i woke up yesterday with super bad hair so i had to fold it back. jaq showed up with exactly the same hairstyle. haha..twins indeed!!

oh well

2005-04-23T20:46:00.003+08:00

hmmm. i'm so self contradictive. i just told my parents that i thought this holiday was pretty darn long but now i feel that its not long enough. why bother saying stupid things like that? made them think that i hated it here. hmmmmmm... stupid stupid stupid...

end of term 1

2005-04-07T16:23:00.001+08:00

Looking back at the posts i made this year, i realise how paranoid i was. i wanted everything to be perfect perfect perfect. but did i make it perfect? did i shower and study straight after school? did i stay up till 3 every day ? nope. i slacked more during the day, i slept at like 11.30 everynight..i went out like every friday night, every saturday...even sunday...
i just kept thinking, all the while during the fun, "oh...i'm in year 12, my life is grey, i am grey, i have no life..." but come to think of it, i've been sleeping well, eating well, the rooms are gorgeous, my life has been sooooo fun... like staying in the city with my friends for a few days, going karoke till it was so late we didn't dare to walk back to the hotel even though it would have only taken 5 minutes..buying food..HaHA..i remember at that time, we had to get our own food, and it was so funny, cos it was like four small girls (us) carrying such a load...yup, we attracted a lot of sympathetic looks...xuan was carrying the 10 litres of water, i was carrying the 2 litres of milk, 2 litres of apple juice, and a huge sack of chips, biscuits, cereal, bread.....leah was carrying the 16 glass bottles of ....ahem......and jaq was carrying all the rest of the load....man, we struggled for like 20 painful steps when xuan realised that the water was leaking out of the tub ..so we had to wait for her to exchange it.... then my bag broke in the middle of the road and the drinks came out...but it was so fun, it made me really want to share a room with a friend in uni, unfortunately no one's going to where i'm going... our room had this lovely bay window, giving us possibly a 300 degrees view of the spectacular swan river and city lights..we spent our nights dancing by that window in the dimmed lights of the hotel room, watching the oscars at the same time, eating whatever we wanted, drinking whatever we wished for, playing our fav songs, singing, talking, it was simply a little bit of heaven. but again, as for the hangovers-it was a little bit of hell. and it was kinda funny, cos everyone on our level had the bay windows so we could actually peer into the window area of our neighbours, and we kept seeing this naked fat old man walking around....heehee... first time we saw him we laughed so much we almost died, but after a while it was like" on, there's that naked old man again..."
anyway, where was i ? oh yeah, i realised that i wasn't studying my head off, instead, i've been slacking. then cramming. its so me. like tonight...i'm not sleeping cos i have my lit long essay due (they gave it to us a month ago) and of course, i haven't started on it yet. and i still have to pack. so yeah...gotto go!

hee hee

2005-04-07T16:23:00.000+08:00

april fools

2005-04-02T21:13:00.000+08:00

for bio, we have this ecosystem of our own. its pretty cool, we have two fishies, some seaweed, two snails, pebbles,deep sea soil...in this sealed glass bottle and its supposed to stay alive for years and years without us feeding it...cos an ecosystem is supposed to self sustaining and all... well yesterday we had class and we were allowed to put it on our desks in front of us cos we love it so much (ours is called "gem wonderland", with one fishy called nemo(duh) and the other called weakling cos all you have to do is to shake the bottle and the little weakling gets buried in the sand..) anyway during class another group started screaming cos their big fish had half swallowed their little fish.. the thing is that the big fish isn't that much bigger so the little fish's head was just jutting out of the big fish's mouth so it looked like the big fish had two heads. and the little fish was struggling to breathe (it was still alive!!!).. then after like 10 mins the big fish spat the little one out and the little one just floated on the surface, still struggling to breathe... then lara, one of the owners of that particular ecosystem asked the teacher if they could rescue the little fish but the teacher was like noooooo, its meant to remained sealed....oh man, i felt so nauseous considering the ecosystem was just in front of me.. anyway, Lara then said, "maybe its just the fishes playing april fools joke on us! ha!" i didn't feel any better.

i survived!

2005-03-24T09:28:00.000+08:00

back from bio camp. i really don't know what's MY problem..i'm just so weak and unenthusiastic when it comes to bush walk. i really wish that i were sporty and fit.... it was so bad i truly thought that i would die right there, in the middle of that south africa look alike. i guess the teachers did too as they kept telling me to sit . i didn't-i couldn't cos everythings graded there and if i didn't do anything-obviously no marks. but then the teacher got really pissed and barked at me to sit down... so hot and frustrated and in pain that i actually started tearing. the teacher asked me questioned but i couldn't answer, just strong enough to nod and shake my head.....AAAARGGGGGGGGGGGH! sometimes i really hate myself. fat weakling.
anyway, angie was there. she fanned me, provided me with lollies and sweets,carried my bag,helped me wash my dishes..she was there. i owe my existence up to today to her. yup.
today mrs lydon asked me if i felt better, and said that she wanted to go to the boarding to see if i were ok. love her. she also said that i have lost my sparkle. why? i don't know. just tired and stressed i guess.

hee hee

2005-03-21T21:19:00.000+08:00

second time blogging today...what a loser right? sorry, its just that i'm a huge crapper and i can't always feed it to people around me... they get fed up you see. and maybe cos i'm just procrastinating right now. i've got bio camp tml..and i've got a million things to do but all i've done so far is to pack my stuff.
things have been ok so far...not good but ok i guess. like for the applic test, cos i didn't really spend time on the investigation apart from doing the investigation itself, i came up with a million questions right before the test. i was frantic, of course, and i expected to fail. but when i was doing the test, my brain wasn't really a blur like i expected, and the questions actually fell into place in my brain and for once...in a very long while, i was able to investigate on the spot and get answers out quickly. and i really thank GOD for this. and chem, i barely touched it...only had some concepts in my head..and the marks were alright too! so i'm kinda happy. but the other applic test...hahaha...the marks are gonna be sooooooo funny! like single digit? i'm gonna show the world when i get it back man. you don't know how happy it makes people when they see single digits on others' paper. brightens up their day i reckon...
back to the lit oral. why why why do they have to choose this unknown GERMAN book? there are no study guides, nothing on the internet....just zip, zilch,nada... oh well, teacher's loss...now they have to listen to my infamous pure crap.

boarding house posters

2005-03-21T16:01:00.001+08:00

boarding house posters. they're the type with inspirational quotes on them...

endurance-in order to find your full potential, you must first test your endurance.
challenge-push yourself to the limits and experience wonders you have never imagined.
vision-discover beauty in simplicity
opportunity-the block of granite which was an obstacle in the path of the weak,becomes a stepping stone in the path of the strong.
goals-there is no limit to the amount of things you can accomplish

maybe its cos i'm a pessimist. cos i'm stressed.cos i have bio camp tml. cos i have the stinking long weekends to fret about. cos i'm going through one of the most painful times of my life.

a few years back, i would have felt so blessed to stumble across them. i would have read them, memorised them on the spot, and leave with a smile on my face, fully convinced. now, i think that:
endurance-i'm sorry, that word has never been present in my 17 years of life, so-no comment. challenge-push yourself to the limits and end up all old, dry, wrinkly with dark eye rings,lost of appetite and other forms of joy for the next week or so..
vision-this is a materialistic world...hello?!
opportunity-i just avoid all forms of stones..granite, marble,whatever. i tend to trip and fall flat on my face if i intend to leap or jump on it...
goals-everyone has goals. but how many can you fulfill in a lifetime anyway?

yeah, so that's it. sounds so down. sounds like i'm just intentionally opposing those golden words. but that's just how it goes in my world. so maybe that's some of my life statements for now. wonder whether it would change as i grow..

ans:

2005-03-21T15:49:00.002+08:00

its called studies.

binary oppositions

2005-03-16T12:34:00.000+08:00

want it, fear it
curious,but its nothing new
anticipate it, while dreading it
no interest,keeping getting back at it...somehow...

life

2005-03-14T16:00:00.000+08:00

its autumn now. this change in atmosphere might change the way a girl sees herself. it might twist her perspectives on issues and it may change her character. no more sweaty summers. no more cheap fanning actions to cool herself down. she stands in the middle of the great court, clutching her books , with the cool wind blowing lightly at her flawless (sweatless) complexion and the rich orange leaves swirling at her feet. through her eyes, everything is a picture. a beautiful picture. SHE is in the picture. the bell rings and calmly, with her girlfriends at her side, they stroll to their classrooms, confident in overcoming the mighty obstacles that await them.

reality check.

its autumn now. i'm wearing my winter uniform, but cos i figured its too short, i've decided to unzip the zip and pull it lower. and i'm covering the mess with the jumper. the jumper. its woolly and hot and i'm still sweating. i'm still fanning at myself. there's still the wind though, but all its doing to me is messing up my ponytail. CALMNESS is not in THIS picture. the bell rings, and i'm still cramming for a test the next period. my surroundings are a blur. my heart is racing. friends all stand up and scuttle towards their lockers. "Hurry up, woman, the bell has rung" a few friends tug at my sleeve. i walk towards my classroom, my eyes still glued on to the page in the textbook. so NOT ready for the mighty obstacles that await me. welcome to my romantic autumn life.

steve

2005-02-26T16:04:00.000+08:00

last thursday, towards the end of lunch, this huge group of girls started gathering outside the indoor canteen, yelling. being the non-enthusiastic-don't-care-girl that i am i just continued sitting wiht my friends, talking. then the bell rang, but the crowd just got bigger and bigger. that kinda drew my attention, for the good mlc girls would never be late for lessons for nuts. then i realised that the girls weren't cheering, but protesting. apparently the new principle had fired this nice little old man who had been in charge of the canteen since forever. byt the way, this guy's name is steve. after lunch, all the girls were sticking luminous stickers that said things like "save steve" and "swap steve" and even "save steve and fire steven" by the way, the principle's name is steven.
the next day, the principle held talks with each year group and explained that steve, together with the rest of the kitchen staff were not fired, but made redundant. to save costs, he decided to cancel the contract of our own non-profit food services and hire this multinational food company that offers---just the same food. jeez. he's so much like jason in Medea- he just can't form arguments. he said that it would save costs, then later...."its not about the money". this girl pointed out that mlc is known as a school with good values, and the unecessary firing of the staff gives this huge image of hypocrisy. he was like.."yeah, mlc is known as a school with good values, but its also known as a school for its bad buildings"..... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? he's new , yet he's complaining about our 100 year old historical buildings. and if you check, ASS HOLE, mlc is still the top school right? you don't see saint Hil...ahem...getting top. their building's freaking high tech and beautiful, but all you get is a whole community of snobby and not to mention stooooopid girls. during the talks, the naughtier girls cry to him, trying to explain to him that steve is as old as the chapel we were talking in, and the goodie goodie prefects all cried, spluttering that he" did not give a shit". we even saw our head girl ..the "saint"..crying, saying that he's soooooo selfish. parents came too, crying . this girl mentioned the point that he was all like "finance finance finance".. the main providers of finance is us, and shouldn't he make sure it ok with us before doing it? he was like, and next you'd be choosing who your english teacher is.

anyway, the abouve was written a few weeks ago. all this happened so long ago that i 've forgotten the details. and my friend got called up to the councellors with her whole blog printed out in front of her so i think i shall stop now. All i can say is that my school went into the papers because of the incident and i think its not necessarily a bad indication of the school cos at least it shows how this is a school where students have the freedom of speech and actions.

is this the way its gonna be?

2005-02-22T19:46:00.000+08:00

for lit common task, i didn't study. i had fun doing useless and irrelevant notes, all the while telling myself that i was doing research on "background information". no essay planning, no notes on plot, structure, props...no idea even what the bloody themes were. so i took the test, and ran out of time. i wanted to talk about 4 characters, but i only talked about 1.
bio was next, and the same "background information" thing happened even when my fellow classmate repeatedly told me to "prioritize". i got tired, so i didn't even bother preparing the notes, was tired, went to sleep without touching chem. today, i finished bio and chem tests early, with 35 minutes left. in fact, i only took ten minutes to complete bio.seriously, i had no clue. the results shall be so interesting. i have physics left this week. is this the way i want it to be? here i am.. eating cheese and crackers.... sitting in front of the monitor..... is this the way i want it to be? the answer seems pretty clear in my situation right now....

swimming carnival

2005-02-15T18:08:00.000+08:00

swimming carnival was boring today. it has always been, and will always be.its like a tradition or something. i was the "tea and coffee " girl..lydon was in charge of the food and refreshments and she chose three girls to make tea and coffee and walk around the whole place offering it to grumpy staff members. nad it just had to be me , hadn't it? and i was practically begging the teachers to eat..offering the drinks and biscuits to them with a fake candy frosted smile on my face. as if i were selling the drinks or something. but on the bright side, we got to sit in air con room the rest of the time when others had to sit in the hot, humid, chlorine scented indoor swimming complex. then there was the dive. its an mlc tradition where all the year 12s line up in a row at the side of the pool and jump in holding hands , one by one, thus forming a wave tumbling into the water. after that, i went for a swim in the boarding house with my clothes on. i've lost my bathers .

authority of year 12s

2005-02-07T13:01:00.000+08:00

a few days ago i told off some of the new girls in the most nicest way i could. but still. the others were all laughing after i did that cos they said i was too nice.oh it is fun being a year 12.
the new blocks are gorgeous. even the most cynical members of the boarding house are loving it. who doesn't? direct river view..not to mention the whole block is ours and it really looks like a holiday resort. there is air con outside that seeps into our rooms, so cold that me and my roomate had tio switch on the heater. and its summer now. our room is the biggest and it has a lovely tree next to the window that sorta blocks the glaring sunlight and adds a shade of somewhat glitttery green to the sparkling blue background. i was trying to study but i couldn't, cos the river breeze, together with the whispering of the bright green leaves and the swaying of the branches, and the view altogether was just too beautiful. in that peaceful atmosphere, i feel as i'm this mad person put in this unnaturally beautiful and peaceful surrounding for rehabilation or something. but i love it!!!!!
the common room...oh gosh..is like some freaking living room of a home. i actually found myself eating on the table ..chatting with friends as other boarders are watching tv on the plush sofas next to us. it just felt so family like.one side of the wall is made of a huge glass window overlooking -what else? the sparkling swan river. best thing is- no other kids from other years can enter. we heard whisperings and footsteps on the way to our block and Emma yelled "get out!!!!!!" and the foot steps left. and we were all laughing at them.

oh no

2005-02-03T21:51:00.000+08:00

didn't study today. made bookings for hair and makeup for ball. gonna go toni and guy for hair, either this lousy place nearby or chanel in the city or just boarding house for makeup.headache. the ball is such a headache.if i didn't get two gowns, i would so not go.

school starts

2005-02-02T10:49:00.000+08:00

i felt that the end of the world was reaching the day before i had to leave for perth.. esp after i found out that dad had failed to order my books..
but it wasn't that bad. it wasn't that hard waking up in the morning and on the plane i met this 22 year girl.. we talked for 4 and a half hours until i just fell asleep suddenly.and she helped me with the luggage after that.. such a sweetie.
school wasn't bad except that i have made two embarrassing acts already. one was today when i fell and my books and calculator dropped. it was on top of the year 8 staircase and this year 8 kid had to help me up. i just thank my lucky stars that i didn't wear my year 12 uniform today.. but i'm gonna wear it tml though..can't wait!!!
I DID MY HOMEWORK YESTERDAY!!!!! that's like the second time in my life! the first time was last year's first day of school.... but i really hope that this continues this time!

wahhhhh!

2005-01-30T01:48:00.000+08:00

dear cassandra. i fell down the stairs today. you must have been laughing yourself silly when you saw me. i slipped and slid all the way down. when i reached the bottom. tears were in my eyes and i sorta moaned, hugging my fats. but thank God for them or else my bones would have been crushed to dust. then mum came out of her room and looked around. who was that? mum,(i thought) i'm lying here, sprawled on the floor by your feet. no no it must have been someone else. geez. and now, i have swollen and rash-covered legs. disgusting.
i was so gonna bitch about the sales assistant from the body shop but forget it. yesterday is but a dream. but tomorrow, i'm going to get her in soooooo much trouble..... *evil grin* i can cos i found her name on my receip. heeheeheehee.

blood

2005-01-29T01:27:00.000+08:00

a few days ago, due to the fact that i was already 10 minutes late for a meeting with a few buddies, i decided to use a razor blade to shave my legs. first, i started to scrape gently, then, finding it really fun and easy, i started to apply fast, vigorous strokes throughout the whole of both my legs. after a minute, done! i smiled at my cleaning shaven legs with pride. suddenly, bright red goose bumps started to cover both legs and before long, my legs were dripping with blood. it was quite a mess. i cleaned up and went shopping and then dance. all that friction caused between my skin and track pants highly irritated my skin so i began to scratch. now my legs are highly disfigured. again. sigh.
but that's not the only bloody scene. today was a pretty rough day. i woke up to find that my dad had taken a day off to hang out with me. we then agreed to watch kungfu hustle together. surprise surprise that movie does not exist in cinemas anymore. good little me decided to throw a huge tantrum, rejecting every single movie that dad read from the papers. including "shall we dance" which i had been dying to watch since last october. dad was like," never mind.we can go shopping". since mum needed the car, we walked to the bus stop. then dad asked ,"so, where are we going?" at that time, i was still an insensitive, mean, pissed idiot. all i thought was that there was no way dad was going shopping with me. i onlt visited clothes shops. he only visited boring places selling LCDs and handphones and computers and stuff. there was no way i was going to sacrifice my last few days in singapore like that. so i told him to go home. he then suggested that we go our separate ways and only meet for lunch. i agreed. kinda hate myself for that.
on the MRT, i was thinking about school when all of a sudden, i saw this mist of red substance fly in front of me. it literally took me a while before i realised blood was spraying out from my nose. i used both hands to cover my nose, but the bleeding was so strong that blood was gushing through boht hands, oozing out of my outer hand, dripping down the back of my hand and onto my skin-tone top. luckily, this very very very nice lady gave me a whole new packet of thick tissue. but dad was still totally freaked out when we got off the train. he dragged me to the control station and went,"mt daughter needs help. blood is coming out from her nose!!!!" "HELLO! ever heard of "nose bleed?" i thought. he said it in a way that you would think that he said that blood was coming out from my ears if you weren't listening to him properly.
anyway, back to the nosebleed. in movies, i learnt that men get nosebleeds when they think of something really horny. i was thinking of school and how miserable it would be dammit. honestly, what would people think?

time well spent

2005-01-28T02:52:00.000+08:00

there are ,what ,3 days left of holidays. i slept through every single day it, except on days that i went shopping.
normally, i would start whining about it here, about how i couldn't believe that i did not use the time properly...but now i know, there was absolutely no better way of spending them. all in all, this had to be the best holiday ever. my only regret was that i did not lose enough weight to go to hong kong. but never mind, there is always next december.
i did wake up at 3 to 6 pm on days that i didn't go out, but i also slept at 3 to 6 am, which gave me a fair share of hours. i'm nocturnal when there's nothing to do, that's all. i didn't study, simply because i don't have the books and since when do i study anyway? but i did find a job, and endured about 2 weeks of it, and only quit because i needed my beauty sleep.
i got together with old friends and new, even ex-tutors..which is quite an accomplishment, especially when i don't even bother to say hello to people, usually. i also took dance lessons, so i you can't say that i didn't learn anything during this time.
and i must confess, i am not happy about going back.
will i cry on the plane? or will remain emotionless until the familiar scent of the boarding house hit me in the face? missing the first day of school is certainly not my comfort, and starting serious lessons the day after i land is just not my style.
gone are the days of hanging out with good friends, and talking over an iced mocha. gone are the days when i go shopping with my mum in the afternoons and dad in the evenings. gone are the days of pointless yet draggy, emotional yet meaningless conversations with absolute strangers. gone are the days of gawking at freaks at heeren and allowing them to gawk at me too.(i suppose i'm a freak to them too)..gone are the days when i strut along orchard road, hidden behind my oversized sunnies, with my hands full of shopping bags, alone. somehow, i prefer it that way. i am anti-social afterall...
GONE GONE GONE. so yesterday, i decided to spend my last days meaningfully, as i had prayed that i would to God every night. i woke up today and decided that it would be "persian cat" day. so without changing out of my silky pink pjs, i just lazed around, watched cable, caught a few naps, and of course, ate whatever i desired, whenever i desired. tml's gonna be shopping day whereby i'll shop till i drop, alone, if i manage to wake up. saturday would be..say..dance day? or nature day when i'll hang out at fort canning. i dunno. but on sunday, i think i'll go church.
guys and girls, i have come to realise a very important fact. do not go beating yourself up for slacking. whether its a day spent sleeping, or a day spent playing, even before an exam or something big, as long as comfort is felt that moment, it is time well spent.
"procrastination is the art of achieving well spent time."- lorraine

few for days

2005-01-22T02:43:00.000+08:00

a few more days of normal life.. then it'll be crazy fun, crazy stress, crazy tears, crazy joy... everything's so dramatic there..and the emotions felt there are like 100x stronger..
i've forgotten everything i've learnt in year 11, and i don't even know all the subjects that i'm taking. and obviously, i don't have all of my books. even though i'm going to year 12, the big and cool and mighty year 12, the first few days are sure to be just like the first few days of primary 1. what is the greatest fear of primary ones?:forgetting to bring your textbooks. gosh, honestly,i might even cry in class.
i'm still wondering whether i'll cry on the plane back. maybe i'll just be numb and dumb.. maybe my "dao" mask will take over to cover my weak and bleeding soul inside. maybe i'll cry and this drop dead gorgeous guy sitting next to me would comfort me and ask what he could do to help and i would tell him to be my ball partner.heeeheeee. or probably i'll just be comforted by some sympathetic old aussie granny who would make me wallow in self pity and cry even harder.
but most probably i would just act as if nothing's bothering me, as if i were perfectly certain that everything was the way it should be.

i'm leaving

2005-01-18T01:53:00.000+08:00

its about 10 days till i'm leaving. 10 days. less than two weeks. i keep telling myself that it's not too late to start learning a new piece..it's not too late to stop eating whatever i like whenever i want to. it's not too late to shop for presents for my family. it's not too late to unpack my boxes and host a sleepover. it's not too late to start doing things i like rather than to sleep my days away.
and now..i think its too late. i'll be dancing quite a lot this week as my friends will be leaving for australia by friday. and i still haven't got a gown. help!!!!!!!!!
this holiday, i wanted to go to church every week. i've only gone ONCE.
but i thank God for helping me be good. see, after the taka incident, all i felt was anger and hate. i felt betrayed. and i saw ugly side of my family, and remained pissed. and whenever i wanted to let it go, this voice in my head would seem to remind me how i had let things go time and time again in the past.and then i would remain pissed. i wanted to remain pissed. but i knew it was wrong.
so i prayed. for me to be good, to let things drop, for the good memories to come back.
i think they're coming back.

bugly

2005-01-16T02:36:00.000+08:00

after a tramatisingly humiliating dust-biting day at taka with my mother i hung out with tam. we went supermarket-shopping and we ended up buying three kinder-surprises..you know, the chocolate eggs with toys inside them.. and yogurt. we headed home, hopelessly slurping the yogurt through skinny yakult straws on the bus. since mine had muesli and tam's had chunky bits of mango, lets say we had a hard time doing it. then together, we opened a fortune cookie that told us to put the misfortune behind us. after a split second, we both claimed that whatever misfortune it was, it was the stuff that happened that day, secretly that there wasn't any more coming. at around 10pm, we hung out at her place, trying to put together this toy from my chocolate egg. we decided that it was bugly-butt ugly, so we chucked it into the pool and watched it sink..

my family

2005-01-16T02:17:00.000+08:00

i'm not sure if i should say this, but i swear, my family members are aliens from this unknown planet, each with a secret mission to beat me down. i'm not kidding, i'm not being sarcastic, i'm not drunk..maybe exaggerating a little but anyway...

mum-she just tries to piss the hell out of me by mostly criticizing or complaining until i blow and then she happily announces to the whole world: AHA! i told you, beneath her good girl exterior, she is a crazy evil demon......

dad-well, all i can sat is, have you watched "my wife and kids"? cos he is exactly like michael,the dad..he just makes fun of you all the while looking like he's giving Godly advice or something..sometimes you get it and feel like the world's dumbest person..sometimes you don't get it and you think he's on your side but...surprise! he's not.

kim-well, her motto is..(in phony german accent).. Down viff Lorraine..i must beat zat girrrrrrl...!

anyway, this is the way that i see it..i have evidence..anyway, if anyone listed above has a problem with it, please appproach me and i will show you evidence cos boy oh boy, i have it.

henny did well

2005-01-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

nothing much. i just grew fatter. while i was working, i grew so skinny that my mum noticed it. imagine! she sees me everyday yet she noticed the difference. yet i didn't treasure it much. but now, i'm fat again.
the high point of these few days was reading the fact that BUNNY did well for her TEE!!!!! and she's going to melbourn....yeah yeah yeah!!!
am i nuts or what? it isn't me who did well..but it's me who has yet to face this ordeal.Bunny has gone through it and has passed with flying colours!! i can see a tragedy before me....oh..help....
this holiday has been quite ok. i got a job..made new and close friends..got a fair share of shopping, tv and reading...its ending, i'll be leaving my family and friends soon, but i look forward to boarding as well..wonder who my new roomate will be? i asked for a "quiet-as-a-mouse-newbie"or "xuan - provided that all her stupid computer games are confiscated"or jac or leah.who who who who who?

i quit my job

2005-01-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

what happened today:
1. i was wrapping the tuna wrappo when it broke.
2. smart-ass collegue told me to transfer everything and i disagreed and the customer supported collegue
3. dad came to visit and i made him a tuna sandwich
4. i broke my nail and swore
5. ex-senior came and ordered and i refused to help her so i dragged smart- ass collegue to do it for me
6. i helped one of the staff to make sandwich and it was pronounced "most delicious" by him
7. i sought his advice on quitting
8. i told phen i wanted to quit.

the quitting business was funny. before that, i had asked this friend whether it was ok to just tell them i wanted today to be the last day at work. he said that it was possible but to be responsible, i should work for another week. then i told phen and she was so nice about it. then came the funny part:
me: so its ok? i mean, if its not i can work for a little longer till you find staff to fill me in....
phen:oh.. then maybe you can help me till end of this week
me:(aside) stupid thing to offer.... (to her) end of this week?
phen: is it ok?
me: second thought..no..mum wants me to quit now. is it ok?
phen: yes...thats ok(smiles warmly)

then i walked away to prevent myself form saying something stupid again. then the boss came to the shop especially to shake my hand.

new year

2005-01-02T22:24:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!!! on new year's day, i watched ocean's 12 with my family. my mum was squeezing her nose the whole time cos she thought the cinema stank, dad was into it, my sis was busy eating her nachos and i was watching at the same time noticing the surroundings around me. conclusion: some guys have really bad breath. everytime there was a funny part, i held my breath cos if i didn't i would get a whiff of that shit that comes out of the guys' mouths. shame shame shame!!!
i feel slightly irritated cos this stupid guy has been going on and on and on and on with the smsing till my boiling point was reached and now that i want him to reply cos i want to know the procedures of quitting the job he does not answer. honestly i tell you they are completely useless.
i have gained all the weight that i've initially lost through the shock of actually having to go to work so i am now quitting. to make matters worse dad bought a half litre tub of gelares ice cream for everyone EACH so i'm gonna be fatter than before.

yay

2004-12-30T17:24:00.000+08:00

i know that i've always been complaining in this blog. here's a change.
i've just reached a stage that i've wanted to achieve before he holidays. my career is stable..i love it. i've met good friends there. i've been in touch with my friends and we've been shopping. i have a fair share of tv,sleep, and play.i've been able to do something good..(not enough but i'll work towards it)-my friends got their clothes, and we bought tons of medicine for the sri lankan victims. we got it over to keck seng building yesterday and we helped voluntarily in the packing of the food,blankets,tent ect. i must say singaporeans are really warm towards donating stuff which is really cool.. the dance lessons are just great. yesterday after dance at 7.30 this friend and i felt like drinking so we went to this place at CHIJMES to drink. i tried my luck and ordered the sangria and THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR MY ID!!! so we drank and had a blast but got out all red.(how embarrassing!)then we shopped and walked around until our faces were light enough to be seen by our parents. but i told my parents about me drinking anyway. i wanted to buy 11 cds for the songs that i like in them. but i found this cd which might as well be compiled by me as it had ALL the songs in it! goody goody.
actually, things are not EXACTLY completely good..for example i didn't fulfill my wishes to go to church every weekend( i've only gone once). i also didn't get to take up tennis cos the teachers available had funny time schedules and i still haven't learnt how to play snooker from my dad.
As i've only got a month of holiday left, and i've already learnt what i wanted at my workplace, i've decided to quit it. difficult decision-i've become so attached to the shop...i push chairs in and clear tables everytime i walk past the shop even if it isn't my shift... but i've really got other things to do..
anyway, looking forward to tml......

still holidays

2004-12-28T01:12:00.000+08:00

work's ok.i prayed. not too busy. making sandwiches. shopping . but i really hate sales. i'm quite anti social and when there are sales,everyone shows up. i mean everyone. i couldn't even breathe. and to make things worse, the things being sold are usually shitty or so last season. so we went out on boxing day and there was sale everywhere and i didn't get a thing.going out tml to get my brows plucked.

christmas

2004-12-26T02:48:00.000+08:00

presents, shoppng,friends and family,everything good-you name it,you've got it. at around 11, we went round orchard road to see the decorations-by car of course-too freaking hot and humid to walk. the decorations weren't that great but that feeling of a whole family in a car doing something stupid-it was good!
meanwhile, something wierd seems to be building up...heee heeee heeee... think i'll really have to "switch off" again.. man i hate doing this-especially when i'm having fun..

3rd day

2004-12-25T02:16:00.000+08:00

third day of work. i hated the place so much that i bought a cup of tea at another sandwich shop when i could have gotten anything at any prize for free in the shop i am working in. i sat there and actually cried. then i prayed and walked to the bar. i was so nervous that i had diarrhoea .
i walked in and everybody just ignored me. they just won't talk to me cos they think i am some type of spy that the boss had sent....i think. then this guy (who was also ignored) started talking to me. couldn't tell his age...he's the type who has an age range from 21 to 34..they type where you never know? and then i launched into my usual whining an immature behaviour..told him that i really loathe the job, and how it sucks and makes me miserable . he told me that there were tons of other miserable people out there,way more miserable than me. then he told me he's actually a full time secondary tutor (gasp!) and used to be a teacher(double gasp!!)..i was shocked.. couldn't believe that i whined to a teacher!
interesting thing that happened-i almost ate a lizard. after washing my face, i blindly grabbed a tissue from the box. it felted kinda heavy so i opened my eyes. at that time the tissue was already touching my chin. the tissue was sorta folded but i still saw the body of the reptile. it was the fattest lizard i have ever encountered in my life.i screamed and flung it away from me. it hit the floor with a sickening thud. i can still remember the feeling of the lizard wrapped in tissue on my palm. i can still see it. every single toe. the holes in its skin. i can still remember its weight. lastly, i can still remember the thud when i flung it to the floor.
back to today. i got to make many sandwiches and it was fun! but there's this thing that kinda bothers me. those who order from me call me "dear" and go "awww..isn't she cute".. like i'm eleven or something. hello? i am 16 ..going on 17..its perfectly normal to get a job. so even if my feet hurt just by standing there , i might consider wearing heels the next time i work.

2004-12-23T01:03:00.000+08:00

yay! no work tml! gonna shop and then dance..
today's shift was insulting. there i was thinking i was doing a good job making sandwiches when they called me out to clear tables, deliver food to tables and stuff. actually i was quite happy about it cos it made me walk around constantly and maybe lose more weight but it was damn insulting. so i was thinking..fine,they think i'm stupid..i can just quit...plus friends tell me to quit the job and shop with them instead..i really want to.i was thinking..if i woke up at 6am everyday and NOT have to work but shop instead, i can spend like over 12 hours shopping! how good would it be! but this guy i know who works there says that its like this for the first few days of work..so i'm reconsidering. afterall, its hard to find a job..this i know..

my first day of work

2004-12-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

ok. i've found a job. actually worked there today. its a sandwich bar in the city. as Kim had predicted, i really want to take a french leave. after very first day of work. Goodness gracious..what have i gotten myself into? i am certainly not the type to take up a holiday job and certainly not the type to take up THIS one. Stocktaking....working as cashier -i can take. but NOT making ultra complex sandwiches...cutting the ten-thousand layer sandwich into four parts...wrapping hem up extra tightly-ALL within ten seconds. they have about 60 types of sanwiches and i can only do ONE. no kidding. i really suck at this job. And i cannot quit cos my parents keep teling me that i need that testimonial for uni cos through their experience its supposed to be important. and they kept givin me that "if you survive this you can survive anything"shit.
i really don't mean to be mean buy i must say office workers aren't as classy as they look. really sorry, but face it. beneath those neat black skirts, stockings and heels..they are still barbaric to the core. like how this office bitch almost killed me cos i asked too many questions. i'm sorry,bitch, your english is really crap and i really do not understand it. it was not really Singlish...it was just that really fucked up accent (xuan should know what i'm talking about).. it went something like this:
Office Bitch:something something something triple decker something tomato something pepper............................
Me: So its 2 sandwiches?
Office Bitch:yes
Me:(aside) didn't get a word in...i'm so dead.....
Me:Mam..would you like white bread or wholemeal bread?
Office bitch:triple decker-white. bacon and egg-WHORE(pitch rising to one octave higher)
Me:(aside) geez,what's her prob? Whore? i'll take it as wholemeal. no wonder i didn't know what she was talking about the first time...heehee....
Me:would you like it toasted or non-toasted?
Office Bitch: REGULAR REGULAR REGULAR!!!!(thunderous tone)
and then my collegue behind me said.."wah! yao da ren liao!" -she's gonna start beating her(me) up..and then she rushed to my side andd said.."sorry..she's new.."
actually, i cut a lot of the details but anyway,i swear that as soon as i learn how to do things really fast i will spit in her sandwich. kidding. but i wish i wasn't.
anyway,thing is that this job is so not right for me and i really wanna quit but i can't cos the people working there are ultra nice, patient, cool. one of them is in singapore management university , one guy just finished o'levels, one girl is plannnng on going to melbourn universiy next year..and many more..all of which are angels. they helped me complete my fucked up sandwiches..helped me hunt down the customers cos i had forgotten who ordered what..taught me step by step things..and this old lady who works there gave me a bag of sweets! cannot bare to leave them!
so i just have to bare with it. i told my mum that i would work until the end of (which is next week) but she wouldn't hear of it! and i actually though that i would never have ot step foot in that place again after today.
gotta work tomorrow as well-please wish me luck and pray for me.....

stupid

2004-12-19T02:46:00.000+08:00

this is almost too stupid. just moved house,and there were boxes piled to the ceiling in my room. mum said that we wern't going out till i've finished unpacking those boxes. hello? any compassion here? i spent the whole night..i'm not kidding-the whole night packing to return home back in perth without sleep until i fainted in exhaustion... still haven't recovered from the ordeal yet..which probably explains the reason why i wake up around 5 pm every day that i have no plans.. anyway,turns out that mum was serious when she said that we weren't going out- i haven't been out since the day that i came here except when my dad dragged me out to the supermarket with him and when i went for the dance lessons.dance lessons were pretty fun..they better be..considering that i paid the fees-too lazy to ask from parents..
Anyway, back to he boxes. wanting desperately to go out, i decided to risk my life to unpack the boxes. why risk my life? cos i'm terribly alergic to dust and just by opening the lid of my first box caused me to sneeze a dozen times and gorge my lenses out. anyway, going through all my things can be so tiresome, especially when you're a very sentimental person.. almost every item that i have carries a long story, and i was forced to just sit on the floor holding the item, and travel back to the past and go through the whole story once again. some took seconds, others a few minutes....some were nice stories, others*shudder* were basically nightmares together with the horrifying emotions that i had to feel again. i found keys to my old diaries-of which i chucked aside thinking-what's the use, all my diaries have been read by others anyway..i found childhood treasures that are as good as old textbooks or empty paper bags to me now.. basically they are like shit that you can't bare to throw away....but most importantly, i found notebooks on which i had written about Cassandra in the past..i found the bracelet that she had given me as well-i'm wearing it now.. all i can say is..Waaaaaa..waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...*sob* *sob* ...i miss my best friend... there's no one like her..i want her back................
Anyway, back to what i came here to whine about..i unpacked..and sneezed...and unpacked..and coughed..and unpacked..and persired..and finally i had only too boxes left. and then mum came in and started yelling at me about how she has a headache and how the noises that i had created caused her to experience nightmares and then she told me to stop. and you know what i was thinking when i had reached the second last box?i was thinking with childish delight..goodie..mum is going to be sooooo pleased when she finds out in the morning that i had finshed packing..she'll think what a good girl i am..bullshit. the second she came in and started yelling, the tiny drop of happiness that i had squeezed out from this torture just dropped to the ground through it. gone. and i could practically see kim smirking in her room cos she asked me earlier on why i had decided to unpack and i told her cos i wanted to be good. and when she left, i wished that i could turn back time and and that everyting would just fly back into their boxes. i never do the right thing even when i tried. and mum's so freaking biased you can't believe it. i've unpacked and my sister hasn't. but mum can still turn the whole picture around and put me in the wrong. man..how does she do that? and i don't want to wake up tml cos i'd have to put up with her scolding me again for causing her to have nightmares. ok..i'm in the wrong too cos it was 3 something am when she came in to complain..but how about me? she actually thinks that i like unpacking and skipping my sleep...nothing much you know ..just that i'm the queen of sleep, i can taste it like ice-cream, i can smell it like cookies baking in the oven...i can feel it like silk...
to make matters worse, i haven't showered yet and i know that mum would hit the roof if i showered now so i decided to wait till she's asleep before i shower and then sleep. so i decided to blog and then a blackout occurred. so i'm typing in the dark now with all the insects (don't know where they came from) crawling around the screen which is the only source of light around...and i have rashes everywhere now because of the dust so i can't go out tomorrow anyway. this is just too stupid.

jackpot!

2004-12-14T01:57:00.000+08:00

hee hee ..i've hit jackpot! i was opening boxes and i hit the box full of dvds! inside were tons of korean, hong kong drama, sitcoms like friends, recent and old movies, gonna have fun! however, all this stuff about finding a job from my friends make me wanna work too! so i was going to go for an interview when my dad said that his friend might offer me a job. all this support from my parents is starting to put me off. but its better than waking up at 3 pm everyday right? and i really fits into my schedule!

addicted!

2004-12-12T23:43:00.000+08:00

smoking's not addictive.nope. alcohol is not addictive.free cell IS. WHY WHY WHY must it be free cell.. i mean,i've seen my friends playing it..looking so granny-like and nerdy and everything bad..just by listening to the rules of this game can put you into a deep slumber..HOW did i get addicted to it? i don't know,its like gambling,like a drug. you play for a few minutes, clicking here and there, and you've won. AGAIN!AGAIN! this voice inside your head starts yelling ..and before you know it, you've already spent like 6 hours on that crappy little card game and have given up SHOPPING WITH YOUR FRIENDS ,MUM AND DAD for a few times! (which is, to me pure ,free bliss). stupid stupid stupid..should never have tried it out in the first place..i didn't even know i could sit still in deep concentration for such a long period of time..i just learnt form a friend that some people gamble with this game..so i'm not a smoker, nor am i a drinker. I'M A GAMBLER?

holidays

2004-12-12T01:46:00.000+08:00

yup..its the holidays alright.. got nothing much to do..but its better than last holidays i guess. Last holidays was terrible..i had rashes on my face, the weather was so hot and humid..i wanted to die the second i opened my eyes from sleep. but here..maybe its just the new home with the new smell..or maybe its my mum the witch..haha.. the weather is good.. my acne can be covered by my concealer..and i feel happy! but maybe not for long cos i'm so not gonna be happy when i gain even more weight..
its one of the few and very rare times i feel pampered.. i just mentioned something about the hair straightener yesterday and poof! mum got it today. with the hair curler and the rest of he set. so i decided to use my sis as the "lab rat" and try out everything on her.. before you start going poor kim.. you may be pleased to know that she did the exact same thing on me except with a lot of additional screams of pain( from me). i tried out the curler on a streak of her hair and she did it on me..and after each of us were done we were left staring at each other's "pig's tail"..it was hilarious. and then i helped her straighten her whole head while she did her homework( nerd) and now she's helping me straighten this as i'm typing this out!

sunday

2004-12-05T13:56:00.000+08:00

you know what happened today?well,i was right. leah was too drunk..she woke up in the afternoon and when i called her she said that she couldn't make it. hello! i woke up early cos of her. actually, i woke up around 11.30 only because of the workers outside the lawn trying to set up the stage and sound system for goodness knows what and there was no freaking way i could go back to sleep. but anyway she was later than me. i'm tired. its the holidays and i have dark rings around my face. i feel so tempted to go back to sleep but i just ate. too full. did i mention that it is so freaking boring here? i remember telling someone that i loved being bored cos i rarely have time to ever get bored..now i musn't be bored cos tml is the day that i get my results back..the day that would literally rip me apart....i don't wanna have time think about it. but xuan's clock broke down for no reason which symbolises the standing still of time...
too bored to comment on what we did the nights before..so here's her entry:
this place in which i am currently residing... it's almost like a completely different dimension to the place i call home. time... actually stands still here, no kidding. the watch my guardian gave me broke the day after she gave it to me. that day was the same day my exams ended. allow me to tell you something about the boarding house: it is almost completely empty, and there are only 15 boarders left, 3 of whom are year 11s. IT IS SO FREAKIN' BORING HERE I THINK I MAY ACTUALLY KILL MYSELF. i even went to the city two days in a row.. oh wait, you already know that. i just blogged about it! ever since the exams ended, this place has been nothing but a bore, not that it wasn't a bore before, just that it's an even bigger bore now...lalalalala~~ in an attempt to get rid of our boredom, lorraine and i threw paper planes down the year 11 corridor, we played those games you play with your friend in primary school, we tried making scary noises outside leah's room, kicking leah's door open and running away, irritating both her and bonnie. seriously, there is nothing here to do, other than to eat or to pack or to wish you were at home.
xuan's so bored right now she's trying to set up this korean blog thingy but since everything is in korean she is trying to use the little bits of korean that she knows to understand what she's supposed to do... she knows how to read stuff out in korean but she doesn't know the meaning so she's like muttering to herself..trying to link the syllables to chinese..its pretty similar you see..
i'll bet you she's going to join this indian online community next..hahaha...

yet another day of eternity

2004-12-04T18:47:00.000+08:00

sigh. went out again! i 'm supposed to go out with leah tml but seriously i don't know whether i can make it... i might just drop dead on the ground once i get off the train. i'm soooooooo tired! exhausted! been (gasp!) rarely not hungry today..buti ate even more than usual. cos i started with this shitty jap food and to make up for it we drank mocha but cos it wasn't the boss who prepared it , it wasn't that great.we came back..ate banana fritters and everything..don't wanna think about it. and seriously i doubt leah will make it tml too cos she's supposed to be all drunk tonight with her korean friends.... so i dunno.

third time

2004-12-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

my god. third time blogging. you have no idea how fuckingly boring i am. i'm sorry that i have to swear. but seriously,that's the only way i can explain this feeling right now. i'm so freakingly bored that i keep going to the toilet even i don't want to..just to kill time. and i actually screamed with joy when i saw that it was 10.35 and that time was actually moving. this year has been so fast. i think God must have been fastforwarding things to get things going. and now its the end of the year and God finds out that there is time afterall so he's slowing things down. my theory. i was wondering before..will it kill the yr 12s to leave a littlle later? answer:absolutely. and to think that i'll be the only one left in the whole entire boarding house on tuesday night is seriously freaking me out. i wonder if i'm even going to get food..the cook's not going to cook for me alone right?
this year..so many things happened. the amount of drama i've experienced this yea is way more than the drama that i've experienced in my life. these are just some random things.
1. fighting and making up with friends
2.bitching
3. ignoring phonecalls and smses
4.throwing chicken bones conveniently out of the window
5.spitting out the window
6.waiting by the window for someone to walk past below and scare the shit out of them by screaming down at the top of our lungs
7.being late form shopping, being gated, and sneaking out shopping and being late again while geing gated
9.went back to sleep under covers in the morning after being woken up and almost missing test as a result
10.tricking a teacher into thinking that there was no test(the teacher says he's not forgiven me yet)
11.movie marathon till four in the middle of exam period
12.knowing friends who throw their dead pet fish out of the window(the worst thing as that it is not the ground below them, its a roof, so the fish might still be there.
13.skipping school and sleeping the whole day
14.trying all kinds of ways to skip house activity
15.skipping classes or being late for 45 minutes
16.staying up just to see sunrise up the river
17. staying up studying with friends without sleeping
18.secretely waking up at 3am and making noodles
19.getting high on redbull and dancing and partying all night long
20.drinking on the lawn in front of the office
21._____ in the boarding house
22._____at the riverside

today

2004-12-03T18:28:00.000+08:00

today i went out with xuan. shopping. can you believe it? she got hit by a pebble while we were waiting to cross the road. i laughed. "is it funny?" she asked. "yeah".
got sunnies! and a top! and prezzies for people! went yum cha! went arcade! went bookshop! so i was pretty happy when i got on the bus on the way home. me and xuan were listening to this korean song . we knew the video of it quite well so we were doing all the spastic actions. we went to this part when boa winked and pointed in front just when the bus stopped and there was a line of people in front of us waiting to get off. of course,unknowingly, we had pointed and winked at them so they stared at us as if we were crazy. so embarrassing! wanted to die.

yesterday

2004-12-03T18:05:00.000+08:00

yesterday was the most ridiculous day ever! as you might have read, it was the day of my last exam of my favourite subject-biology. and yeah..i didn't study for it. the exam was three hours long, and i was in deep shit cos we had to write 4 essays in section C -two of which were content based,the other two on application. i was drawing the table out for my second one on content when the fire alarm went off. it was...ridiculous. firstly, i had only half on hour left and was desperate like crazy. secondly, all the girls were giggling. thirdly,my teacher went out to SEE IF IT WERE A DRILL. um...exams were on..of course it wasn't a drill. So there i was sitting there,wondering which was worse-failing the exam or dying. Someone said"keep on doing your work! they're not going to give us extra time!"i tried..but i couldn't squeeze out a word. three minutes later, our teacher rushed in and said" i'm sorry, girls,this isn't a drill. we'll just end the exam here" i was so pissed that i cursed out loud and she looked at me. see, i was angry cos i could do the application but i didn't get to touch it. then angie and i went to stand at he oval,talking about her boyfriend when another bio teacher asked us if we were supposed to be at another place. i looked up and saw mr.c and my bio teacher looking for us. we went to them and found out that all the girls who were taking exams before had to assemble outside the examination hall . apparently the fire was at the arts department where the wax caught fire. we were allowed to continue the exam in the end.
after that,i didn't feel as happy as i thought i would. i was happy..but also very very bored. so i went to the common room where the girls were taking videos of themselves playing. i just slumped there on the sofa. then the video camera came to me and i just sat there. "do something!" they urged. i remained motionless. then sammi jo pushed her boobs into my face! OMG! yup, they got me screaming!

what is wrong with me

2004-12-02T11:05:00.000+08:00

so i screwed up everything else. i almost knew that i would get A's for chem and bio. well,since i screwed up the chem essay that's gone for sure..but...THERE's ALWays BIo!!! i was so worried and determined to do well that i was thinking about it throughout the g and t exam(everyone knows you have to concentrate on g and t)..actually, during the exam i was thinking about cheers-you know..the sit com? cos i watched it before i went for the exam. then i moved on to my "wife and kids"..i was actually chuckling about this scene where the clare was sitting in the car with her family for this lame"family vacation" and they were so stupid that she started strangling herself in hope that she may die..then i thought about FRIENDS and then it went to chandler in FRIENDS and then it went to mr c cos he's like chandler's twin...and then i thought about how screwed about bio cos my friends have been studying for it for 2 weeks..there was no freaking way i could do it in a day..and i was right..i could not finish. but i had 2 hours left cos this exam is in the afternoon and i spent one and 3 quarters viewing other people's blogs( as if all my exams were finished)..WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS BODY? i am trapped in a body that REFUSES to work even in extreme conditions!man..can't wait to bloody receive my report card..gonna be interesting.

nothing much

2004-11-30T16:31:00.000+08:00

i really wanted to go to saint hilda's cos mr.c 's going and plus everyone has their room AND study..i just found out that i have my own room AND multiple studies now! cos a few girls not to mention the whole of the year 12s except for veronica are gone..we can go to their room to study anytime. cool? maybe not. i'm just in a good mood cos i've only go bio left on thursday and i don't have school tml and i can sleep in and study and go bv. wait. they do not go together. i can only do one. sleep? i love this school how we can have breaks in the middle of exams...for the midyears i had 6 days free then 1 exam,then 2 days free then three exams,two days off then two more and then it was long weekends.. this time it was a bit crappy though,3 days free,then 4 days of exams,then three days free and 1 exam, then 1 day free and lastly bio adn then three days of long weekend... fine i'll stop boring you.

exploration

2004-11-29T01:50:00.000+08:00

its 1.50 am and cos xuan and i didn't study at all during the weekends (actually from friday morning onwards) we decided to stay up. xuan has two exams tml...human bio and econs. and yep..i can swear that she did not study. but i'm even worse. i see her stressing but i'm just doing the same. not studying. and at least you can cram for her's..mine's g and t ...you either practise days before or you cram,panic and fail. and i actually had five days to study it..but i didn't. we were bored so we decided to investigate the year 12's area..an out of bounds place. but everyone's gone anyway..or so we thought. turns out that this year 12 girl is still here and the fright that we had was mutual. me and xuan were creeping into the area when xuan saw her and i bet she was like..who's coming?hahas..using the year 12 computer now..i feel like one! not studying..must be crazy.

today's the day

2004-11-27T20:22:00.000+08:00

so...i didn't study..instead..i ran to the riverside with xuan .

The hook

tried my very first
with hopes and expectations
mildly excited

haze surrounded me
its finally my turn now
i took a deep breath

but it was nothing
i inhaled and tried again
still the same old shit

now i know the truth
the hook was just a lame myth
do not be deceived.

yeah

2004-11-26T13:19:00.000+08:00

two to go. i had imagined that i'd be kissing the floor on this day but i'm not. i feel neutral.

Kim

2004-11-26T13:04:00.000+08:00

KIm. my sister. she's living proof that being younger wasn't necessary the shadow. in fact its the other way round. younger ones are always taller that the first born. she. nightmare. i remember before she was born i started splitting everything i had..because i was so afraid that she would have nothing. she just entered the world, after all. so i took out my accessories and dolls and mountains of soft toys and spent my days counting and splitting... little did i know that -duh- she would be showered with gifts the second she was out of mum's tummy. i looked at her the first day she was born. so small,with such delicate and dainty features..soooooooo skinny(she still is)..she was pretty but looked pretty much weak...like the chick that i had... and after her first shower, she was covered in bruises.
ok..at first i wanted to write a life story on her but i can't be bothered. anyway,she got top in school for the " primary TEE" and basically there's like the baby said her name's placed at the entrance of the school. i don't know what it looks like but i imagine it to be this huge billboard with her name ,picture and maybe balloons with the word "congratulations" on top. nothing unexpected cos she's being getting "level champion" trophies and "good service awards"(since she's a prefect) every year of her life starting from primary 1. so well done kim i am so proud. but thanks for making me look so freakingly retarded beside you. thank you.

yeah

2004-11-24T14:21:00.000+08:00

done with physics and chem! i'm glad i've already done two! and there's only two next week. but i don't want to go home anymore. so my sis got top in the school for psle.273.i got only 255. i'm not really surprised, i mean, she's been getting level champion..good academic and stuff all her life.. but this! psle! its not just any stupid primary school exam..its the ultimate one and its getting her into raffles.
so i don't want to go home.

nearer and nearer

2004-11-21T19:18:00.000+08:00

i know i don't have time but i just have to record this down. there is no time and i am stressed and somehow the world seems grey and i have lost my appetite both to eat and to study.
last night i planned this study camp where i lay this sleeping bag of mine on the floor so that i cannot fall asleep and even if i did i wound wake up quickly. and i drank two cups of coffee. turns out that study camp was actually "a night with a retard", the retard being someone,who ,coincidently looks just like me. fine. it was me. i was so freaking tired but i couldn't sleep so i just sat on the floor like a vegetable.

shit

2004-11-20T20:42:00.000+08:00

oh my god its 8.42 now and seriously,i believe that i'm worst off than the whole year 11 population. would amyone believe that i've done absolutely nothing? the turgor baboons might at least get a hint of what i'm talking about but even you guys do not understand what shit i'm in. i feel like i'm just sitting in the middle of the end of the world..end of my world i mean.. this is the second time i'm here today, whining about my pathetic situation.. for those like xuan who are critical of my whining you can just stop reading now. HAHAHA.. i just tried out my tagboard and i realised that you can't swear in it! all i wrote was "shit" and it got replaced by a beep.its fun! sigh. cheap thrill. baby, you are pure evil. how can you do this to me when you know that i've barely started? i dished out all my notes which is as high as a regular card board box and just touching it is making me sick to my stomach. so how the hell am i supposed to read and absorb it? and i just cannot study. don't feel like it. its funny. when i came here i thought..wow,just six subjects? um...can i request to take more? but its six in great detail and like always before, time is running and everyone is ahead of me and i feel tired cos my period is coming and i'll be dead next week when it comes.sheesh. help help help! and someone is coming back tml which is going to piss the fuck out of me..(boarders would know who i'm talking about). and i was telling leah that i was sooooooo not ready for the exam and she was like..well i am.
after physics i'll fret about ic..probably panic.. and i'll prepare my cheat sheet ..
after ic i'll moan about lit and try to dish out the stuff i wrote and surf the net for some stuff
after lit..wow! a huge load off or maybe i'll be worried but i'll try to move on . then i'll panic and put in notes for chem as it's 45%
after that it'll be phew! three days for solid g and t although i know that you cannot cram maths
after g and t it'll be wooooohooooooooo! but wait, that's not the end yet.. it'll be one afternoon of dvds or going out..another day of studying for bio..and then the next day,bio exam.
then i'll be fucking freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! but i'll have to pack.. then its shopping for my family..and then i'll be homebound and free.

weekends

2004-11-20T15:34:00.000+08:00

sheesh..what have i gotten myself into? when my friends had their exams last term(which were not even important as the report cards were already out) i caught them slacking 2 weeks before their exams and i thought to myself ..man, they are in deep shit. and for me there are only 2 and a half days left and hehehe guess what? i haven't started. and my shitty friends who ALL have less exams than me are studying. like shit. man, i don't know if i'm just making an excuse or what but i really cannot study because:
1. the incident happened yesterday, and all the time i was defending Angie , pissing Leah off , and in the end i was wrong. Leah, i'm so sorry!
2.Rachel and Angie lied to my face which means that they don't trust me at all and hey i was actually worried for them. (but they finally told the truth so i guess my pain is lessened)
3.Horny Henny just left.

Anyway i actually wrote out a poem but i read it and it sucks so i'll just save you from the cringing and not write about it. When you left, Henny, (since you'll read this sooner or later i'll just talk to you like this), i was quite impersonal cos i wanted it to end quick. don't get this the wrong way, its not that i wanted you out of my life quickly but i think you know what i mean. to save time and tears, you know? but i was actually quite sad cos i was reading the thing you wrote while i heard your car drive away and it created all the emotional atmosphere needed to make one sad. and i ate all that was left of the chocolate . even though i know that i'm very allergic to chocolate. i think it was emotional eating, and if i get rashes its all your fault.
You reading the entry's ok.. i just didn't want anyone to read it as i was pretty upset at that time and i think i was rather vulgar. Cassandra was my best friend who passed away last year and i dedicated this blog to her so that she knows what's going on in my life. (in case you think i'm some kind of freak.but really i loved her a lot. I read what you wrote and you're right, i've been through quite a lot but maybe not more than others.. i believe that everyone has their problems too. Guess i can relly learn a lot form you.
Anyway, maybe i'm just finding excuses not to study .. but i can't i can't i can't but shit i'll have to try. but you know what i really want to do right now?... i want to run to the river side and just sit there at the edge of the jetty with my legs dangling over the river,feel the wind blowing at my face and imagine that i've got all he time in the world.
which is not what i have right now.

changes

2004-11-17T16:14:00.000+08:00

its the time of the year when changes are happening but you can't really be bothered. why? the nasty "e" word. people are leaving. new people are coming. at the end of assembly today the v.p talked about the shifting of seats. its like a symbol of the raising of status. next year, i'll be at the top. ok, its a secret i'll never repeat:i still feel like a kid. i look at some of the year 12s and they seem so darn mature. i'll be like them next year but i really don't feel it. i'll try to look it, but if a kid comes to me for comfort, we'll probably cry together. so if you're another kid- do not come to me. i still feel like a kid too.

lit oral

2004-11-16T18:13:00.000+08:00

it was crap. everybody looked hell bored at the end of my speech. organic chem wasn't as bad as i had expected. maybe they were all right afterall.

centre stage

2004-11-14T18:50:00.000+08:00

watched centre stage twice during the weekends.went to h.horny's room cos apparently she could only concentrate with noise around for accounting. so we fooled around a bit there..me staring blankly at chem notes ..jac playing free cell..h.horny studying and trying to act sexy at the same time(but failed miserably)..Then we decided to watch centre stage. That charlie guy..WHAT A HOTTIE..Jac and i totally fell for him..haha.. so we watched it again the next night and repeated the parts with him in it after that. Anyway, after the first time i watched it with Jac and h.horny the three of us were so inspired that we started to imitate the turn out and the twirls and basically we started dancing around the room. for a second it took my mind out of work and stuff but now ..here i am ,back to reality.
anyway,just a haiku about that night:

Three girls with exams,
after watching centre stage,
got inspired to dance.

twisting and twirling,
breaking all the ballet rules,
yet so beautiful.

be it wasted time,
or time spent so happily,
we will not forget.

sunday

2004-11-14T18:30:00.000+08:00

its sunday..every sunday i feel like screaming and screaming and screaming until time happens to stop and monday never comes. have chem test tml... first time doing organic chemistry and there's a test tml..man i do not know what the hell's going on ..i think its hard and here are the responses i got from various people about it:
Leah: OH I LOVE IT! FUN!!!
Emma Lee: i LOVE organic chemistry except for the fucking reactions and stuff..
Emma Mac: for once i totally got it the first time i heard the teacher talking about it
H.Horny: organic chemistry's good! i love it!
Don't you just hate it when you know that you're dying but no one's on the same boat as you?
maybe x's the only one who understands cos she said that its complicated but then again it doesn't really help cos she's not even taking chem.

For Cassandra only

2004-11-12T15:52:00.000+08:00

Dearest Cassandra
(for all those who know about her do not read this . Respect.)
haven't been writing to you much lately but you do know that this entire blog is dedicated to you.. nothing much though,not as if you don't know what i'm doing..but this really feels like writing a letter to you and its as if...you never left. so i guess its sorta more for me than it is for you. anyway,i've been thinking about random things.. like the head girl is who is absolutely gorgeous is leaving and i might never ever see her again..will she always be this young and fresh girl in my mind? i mean, i look up to her now but what about 30 years from now? i would be older than what she is now..way older..so will she seem younger than me ? see,its the same thing for you really,you left when you were 14, just a few days to 15..will you grow with me or will you be this little girl whom i once loved?
i really wish you were still here..that way i wouldn't have come to this crap of a place anyway..or maybe you would come with me and then this place wouldn't be crap anymore. This girl xuan suddenly brought up the fact that my group of friends including me make a joke every other sentence in our conversation. that isn't good. on the surface it does but then i thought that the reason that we make jokes is maybe to subconsciously cover the awkwardness or some g a p somewhere somehow. thats so artificial. then i thought of us. no conversation needed, no retarded and forced jokes..nothing of the sort....and i really miss that. i really miss you, you would never betray me, you gave me your homework everyday to save my lazy ass,you stayed so that i could photocopy all your notes the day before exam...i'm was like your parasite..ot rather our relationship was like commensalism, you being the charitable one i the benefiting one . you were like an angel whom God sent to me and i swear i would not have lived up to now without you. anyway,you're still my angel whom i think about everynow and then. shit. sounds bad right? but there are so many evil people around me, meanies who make me cry dammit, people who constantly use me, my room, the few resources that i have, my feelings, my trust..this year has been the greatest , better than the days after you left me in singapore cos it took my mind off the very absence of you..but that initial excitment is wearing off now and i've come to face the fact that its you who i need right here..the angel amongst all the fucking living dead who live here. i mean, certain girls in school wouldn't live one day in singapore, like the -- class that i have, they are so fucking noisy and annoying, at first i thought that maybe i was just unlucky and got into a fuckingly irritating class but then i realised that it is the top subject anyway and the prime reason these people are so noisy is cos they think that they are smart and thus have the right to produce noise pollution. and do stupid things like throwing paper airplanes across the classroom for no apparent reason. no, not even for passing notes.
i miss my parents. i'm so angry at that fuckingly spineless girl..i mean, get a life..you have a fucking life of your own, don't be a shadow and do not use people. i realise why mr foo was so pissed in primary 6.. its sucks that when you be nice people tend to use you. i mean, if you
actually hate "a" and think that your life depends on "b" but "b" doesn't seem to be paying much attention to you , you don't use "a". you hear that? you f.gly useless b... but anyway,her stuff has nothing to do with me so i'll just shut up. but you f.u.b do not get into my room.
seeing fucking people like this really makes me miss you like ..heaven. miss you love you forever....
lorraine

nothing much

2004-11-11T17:27:00.000+08:00

just another day after school when you know that you can't sleep that night(or rather,sleep with the lights on).. anyway,my boarding house mistress has been calling me names from patches to chucky. not nice. i blame it on the year 12s muck up night for the name patches..( i wrote a detailed description of that night but somehow it disappeared so just look at xuan's blog .. its pretty good but not half as good as mine.).Anyway patches cos of the fake tan they dabbed on me and the rashes from their torturing and boot camp that they gave me i can totally understand but chucky?.. thats scary. i'm not. but someone suggested that its because i've been sleeping sitting up as a resulting of "studying" and that's how chucky sleeps. well, seems like i'll be chucky again tonight.

sick

2004-11-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

sick last night...wanted to vomit but couldn't be bothered to walk all the way to the toilet..so i just lay down and tried to force the puke down.. so stressed about the subjects next year..still haven't decided yet and the councilors didn't help..
to the darling darling year 12s.. wish all of you good luck.. i actually bought lots of food for you guys but i couldn't give them to you cos i've been having stomach ache and i don't want you catching any of the germs(just in case)..anyway..the foods slowly disappearing now cos everyone's eating it up..too bad! but good luck anyway!!!

boo hoo hoo

2004-10-25T10:44:00.000+08:00

one of my favourite teachers mr comber is leaving our school. not retiring. but leaving for a school none other than st hilda's. the school that i hate. the school that i envy.the school wih the girl that i envy. st hilda's doesn't need mr comber...but we do. without good teachers this school is just like a dump.no facilities and not to mention tiny.what did we do to st hilda's to make them steal our teachers away? and i blame it on our school. mr comber has been like the living dead for the whole year..you see him floating everywhere all the time..usually exhausted. in class when i'm tired i just feel like dying even when i'm sitting. he looks soooo exhausted but still has to do all the work. poor him. and the class just always so noisy! i mean..i always think..can't you guys see that the noise might just kill him? i'm pretty noisy in other classes but never in his cos ..ahem...i'm more "dong shi"..haha..
and now he is leaving. i'm just so upset cos he is just so funny and so nice.leaving to none outher than st hilda's.

wasting time

2004-10-24T01:53:00.000+08:00

you may have realised that its been a long time since i had blogged. i really think that it is a complete waste of time. i whine about things that have passed,i ponder and "plan" about the future...why not just use the fucking time to actually do something that might slowly edge you out of this situation? i have this 10 hour long ic paper to do and it is due in on monday! what should i do? i sorta know that even if i tried my best..i still will not be able to finish the fucking thing. which is why i am here to whine about it.

going home!!!!!

2004-10-01T10:26:00.000+08:00

i'm going home today...still haven't finished packing yet....sigh. an i really hope that i can change the time for the taxi so that i don't need to rush after school...that is my main concern.
its been a pretty good day today cos i had ic which is practically free period all the time abd after that was the dreaded g and t in which the teacher was too stressed out to come. lucky i didn't follow xuan's advice and skip it or i would have skipped another free like the last time.hmm i think that i really should study but am i going to????? doubt so...i can't wait to get home....but i hope that i'm not going to meet anyone undesired today....please please please........

weekends

2004-09-12T19:35:00.000+08:00

weekends...hmmmmm..didn't do anything at all. nothing. went out to city to mainly have lunch and play pool with jaq and henny. henny was a really good teacher, telling us tricks involving angles ..g and t stuff. after that we went to watch movies until like 2am and then we slept over in their room . we had easy way food earlier on and that made my stomach sooooooooo wierd..it kept making funny noises so i left as soon as i could so that it wouldn't wake anyone up.anyway,henny was supposed to study for 9 hours but in the end she didn't at all so i felt sorta guilty. slacked today as well,watched white chicks ..hilarious. and i sound sorta retarded cos the fucking keyboard is so fucking sticky and i 'm wearing this retarded hairstyle cos it keeps my headache away cos it pushes against where it is throbbing.yuck.i am trying to type with my nails coz its too fuckingly sticky.

mask uncovered

2004-09-10T19:39:00.000+08:00

well one of my teachers saw me i think. oh no. it was when i almost tricked this male teacher into thinking that we did not have the test that day. until this genuinine innocent girl walked having a fit cos she was so worried about the test....i was like..fuck. it was so hard to get the 'goodiest' students in this shool to play along with me...i can't believe that they did...and then it was all ruined. adn the teacher was so shocked that he wouldn't stop talking about it for days..said something like "she's one of those that look so innocent that i would have trusted her to hell and back..but she is soooooooo naughty..don't know whats going through her head.." and whenever he saw me he would go "any more stories to tell,lorraine?" damn. so i had to take the test which i pretty much fucked up AND also have a teacher see through me. does this mean that they won't trust me again? and then there are these girls who come up to me and tell me"i know you weren't innocent...i know it!!!!!!!!" well surprise surprise !
today i skipped class with my friend and it so happens that the teacher forgot about class and didn't show up at all..so i don't think i will be marked absent...i hope...
the chickens are leaving ...in fact i think they have left. so sad,,,i will miss pyo...it was such a cute but ugly little chick..and now its a beautiful white hen..or cock...dunno..hahas..wht a good dad i am..

back again

2004-09-07T10:57:00.000+08:00

yoyoyo!!!
haven't been studying much but i feel that i'm a better girl now..somehow...dunno why. i've told a lot of people that i've been studying but i just realised that all i've been doing is the night-before-cramming as usual. but i have been running to the riverside,going gym(well,only once last week)..but i've been totally stuffin myself with food(cookies,milk and coffee)..which means that i've gained the weight that i have managed to painfully shed at my guardian's freeeeeeezing house.
i have bio this thursday and chem on friday. i really have to study for that cos i dunno a single thing about that. and if all goes well i shall go out and shop in the weekends.
hehehe..everyone is busy now...with the psle and O's amd all that shit..good to know that for once in this year, i don't feel that i'm the only one.

neverending story

2004-08-26T09:32:00.000+08:00

took my bio test yesterday and also my e lit oral. didn't know what to say during the oral so i didn't say anything.gonna fail. after school we(me ,Leah,Jaq,Henny,) watched a movie after that we decided to go watch dance night and tried to take pictures in hadley.the pictures failed and the dance was soooooooo bad except for the year 11s and 12s. so basiclly i slacked the whole day off thinking that there was nothing to do since the long weekends were coming anyway.hahaha.then i suddenly remembered that i had to pack,printout physics stuff,e lit notes,do laundry,write out e lit essaydraft........so basically i'm cramming to do most of the things now.....this reminds me of the song....
this is the song that never ends,
and it goes on and on my friend,
some people ,started singing it
not knowing what it was,and they go on singing it
forever just because
this is the song that never ends.........

skipping class

2004-08-23T12:24:00.000+08:00

haha..skipping class,didn't feel like gong to class so i didn't.i mean,who cares about
CHEM
where the voice drones
on and on
i doodle
scribble
colour
anything
but listen.tired
i sleep.struggling to stay on the high chair.
lessons over, rush to pack my stuff.
walking out,i feel how
unproductive
the lesson has been.
missed assembly as well. LUNCH TIME!!!!!!!!!

hurray

2004-08-23T10:59:00.000+08:00

this week's been really good.school's actually been fun,the lessons were really interesting,i've been sleeping so well,getting up in the mornng has been no problem at all as a result..the nature walk that i had this morning after the prac test was such a treat,a great way to start a great week. friends have been angels,gossip has never been so alive,i'm soooooooooo glad that i've come here!!!!!!
the bell has gone 10 minutes ago.i'm still here.

ladie's day

2004-08-21T18:50:00.000+08:00

went to this IS social yesterday and it wasn't bad..music was generally good,food was good,tons of people there.it was kinda sad when leah's boyfriend came though cos he took leah away.And Angie came kinda late cos she was hanging out with HER boyfriend and didn't come till like one and a half hours later.anyway,me and jaq would have no one to hang out with if it were not for the year 12s who let us hang out with them. so i'm really greatfull to them ...letting us year 11 brats hang out with them for their very last social ever.
so basically it was great fun,with great company-as for the tiny details i will not write about it.
Today was really fun.Me,leah and jaq went out together to the city .Leah was so nice to leave her boyfriend this weekend to hang out with us(the real reason i do not know but i think this is the reason). anyway,we ate food that i have been craving to eat,did things i had been craving to do,bought things i have been craving to buy,learnt things i have been cravng to learn,the only thing that i wasn't able to do that i wanted was to get my ears pierced. i called mum to ask her and she said nooooooooooooo, i wasn't pissed cos she's always right about these things and she wanted me to get it pierced in singapore.
well i'm just chilling out now,just like how i love to. got prac test on monday. i'm TERRIBLY afraid of practicals especially for physics cos i never participate in it during class due to intolerable fatigue and i have a history of fucking up. in a way,i'm glad that i can do it on monday to get it out of my way but ... it can also ruin the long weekends coming up. i have bio test too and its on reproduction and since the topic started i haven't been listening. gosh...i really have zero interest in that topic-it totally exploits the animals and their rights,i mean,we have to watch animal porn all the time and i am both grossed out and fed up with it. anyway, think i'm gonna study now. great day.

dear cassandra

2004-07-18T19:17:00.000+08:00

i was rummagng through my drawer and i found one of the many diaries i have. i read through it and memories of us together started flooding back.you...being the perfect princess and all. like how you refused to cut queue and join me and gen while we were lining up,and angelically stood at the back of the mile long queue...
like how we used to analise and fantasize about our dreams and trying to draw links to reality...
like how we thought out cunning little plans...
like how we had the same enemies...
like how we enjoyed sitting together at coffee bean just talking and drinking...
how you shared assessment with me before streaming
how we at times shared homework (i did half and you did the other half )
how we got kicked out of class together once and we were still bitching about the teacher by the classroom door and then she forced us to stand on either ends outside the classroom
i still remember when you were drawing this picture as you were standing there..of a witch being burnt at stake or something..you were pissed but it rarely showed on your face
like how you only saw the good side of people...i'd be fuming and you would calm me down by convincing me that whatever the person did was unintentional..gosh..you were soooo perfect and yet you said that i was kind....forever you will be my role model and forever you will have the most special place in my heart..

report card

2004-07-15T21:42:00.000+08:00

got it today.well basically it sucked.was pleasantly surprised by mr thomas though cos he said that i work very hard. hahahahahhahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH.....don't you just love it when you don't work but you're still able to achieve the nerdy image?oooooohhh.....all this year i've been trying to be a nerd but have failed at doing so miserably...but as you can see the teacher first to doubt my enthusiasm in studying has called me a hard worker....
oh.my.gosh.let me laugh again..
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA............HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA...
but other than that it totally sucked.like how dr. ireland said that i showed inconsistency in my mid years.its MY exam result...does he seriously think that i don't know? and if he knows that i know then why is he telling me that?just to KILL me?
oh...but there's something else that is funny.most of the teaches say that i prefer to observe rather than to contribute...when i've been daydreaming all the time..hahaha..and they all said that i'm mature!!you hear that?i'm mature.i knew it.
but the rest sucked and they said stuff like how i should ask more questions and stuff. well SOME people do not happen to have endless questions like how some OTHERS do...
but i've got good news to everyone..note that the report DOES NOT NEED A PARENTS SIGNATURE!!!!! which means that we can just burn it if we hate it.
which is what i might do next time.

take a look at this!!!

2004-07-15T00:12:00.000+08:00

was just randomly surfing the net and i found this under st nick's name:
CHIJ St. Nicholas Girls]: A not-so-smart girls school known to others as a school full of lesbians and bimbos.But really, there ARE nice and really sweet ones.Rare though. [Good points]: girly and whiny(normally to boost a guy's ego), pretty(for some), sweet(for some), there is a strong bond of friendship between friends. [Bad points]: the weird interest they have in fellow schoolmates, bitchy(for some), their tendency to flaunt their "nice" legs with damn short skirts, giggly. [Dress Code]: An extremely low belt usually on their asses. Light blue pinafore that usually hang around at the thighs part. White blouse with un-rolled sleeves. [so you are just another one who is interested in those whiny bimbotic stuffs huh? Nice try.]
haha..cute..
WHAT THE FUCK?I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE COULD WRITE THAT!GOTTA A PROBLEM WITH LESBIANS?WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY "WIERD INTERESTS"?WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "NICE" LEGS? THE LEGS ARE NICE. WITH ROUGHLY 3KM OF JOGGING PER WEEK IT'LL BE PITIFUL IF THEY WERE NOT!"NOT SO SMART"?THE PERSON WHO WROTE THAT CERTAINLY IS "NOT SO SMART"..HE'D JUST GET POUNDED INTO PULP IF WE KNEW WHO HE IS..
pissed.

pandora's box

2004-07-14T23:42:00.000+08:00

spent today at home.its not as boring as it sounds though..
watched mtv and when my sis reached home we started playing with the gym workout ball..bounced it..dribbled it..we were pretty noisy.mum told us that our neighbours might complain and kim said,"don't worry,we'll face the music"
"more like you'll face the toilet,"mum retorted.
"you guys always hide in these kind of situations and let me do all the explaining"
well...might not sound funny now but my sis and i totally cracked up then..
a little later in the day,i took out my g and t work to do. i spent 15 minutes on part a of the first question and COULDN'T do part b. it got me so fuckingly frustrated that i started pounding the table and whining. then i realised that i didn't need to suffer and so i decided to put the books back into the luggage.treating it as the pandora's box,i swore never to open that luggage again.

really nice here

2004-07-13T19:35:00.000+08:00

although i told mum that i hated it here...dunno why i did that..gosh..
went shopping today..got some clothes but since they were tight(what else would mum buy for me) i won't be wearing them until i lose like 3kg. went to the clinic today and i thought that if anyone told me that i was fat i would tear them apart with my pudgy fingers but surprisingly no one said anything. i think they reckon that its too late and that i can not be saved anymore.sigh.chilling out now..still haven't started unpacking yet..been trying to fix up my totally screwed up hair(melissa should know what i'm talking about) i have been bragging to xuan that i've got an endless supply of underwear in perth...surprise surprise i just realised that i've got NONE in singapore and now i have to wear the underwear that i wore when i was like in primary school..gonna go out and buy new ones...
i don't know what the hell i did or ate(personally i think its cos of the hot climate here) my face is practically rotting..rashes..zits-you name it..i've got it..
shall end here..my irritating sister is here to bug me.

at home

2004-07-11T14:20:00.000+08:00

the hot weather is just driving me nuts..just feel crabby the second that i wake up.i know that i've got tons of homework to be done but i'm not actually planning to make a move..so totally me. except that this time i'm not actually pretending to be nerdy..i didn't even bring my textbooks-as the taxi driver had said...i'm looking for trouble.
so bored here..but i don't wanna go out..too hot..can't be bothered to move..
i wonder how singaporeans can still be so hardworking in this weather..
i seriously dun feel like doing anything now..gonna rot here.
i miss the natural air con back there..miss the people and things that you can do when you are actually free..like movie marathon or something..yesterday i tried doing it myself but it wasn't the same..so boring watching by myself..it can make exorxist seem like a documentary..
don't really feel like going out tml..shouldn't have volunteered to teach my friend yesterday..my showing off nature taking over me.. just feel like sleeping to pass time..but the funny thing is that i don't like my bed anymore..i don't like the blanket and the hard bed..yup..its so sad but i have to admit that i am craving for my bed in boarding school. it really is so nice...my friends like leah actually come to my room just to sleep in my bed and use my blanket...haha..guess now i understand why i sleep all the time..
did i mention that i didn't study for my chem test that i had fought to take on my last day of school?yup..i wanted to wake up at 3am to study but duh i didn't.when i wake up the next morning i didn't feel like crying or anything like i usually would..i didn't even panic. i just knew that i had to take the test anyway,just to get it over with. i spent the time i had left not for studying but finding my tie. after half an hour i gave up. gosh i was was lucky that it was funky tie day..i went to my friends for help and she tied a ribbon onto my neck. i wanted to take it off but couldn't really be bothered with it and jut left it on. everyone in school was like how cute and i was like whatever. the real complication was when i went to the students services to give the staff my letter of excuse to leave the school early. the lady took the note and dumped it in the UNIFORM INFRINGEMENT BOX!!!! i couldn't be fucked to do anything and just walked off grinning.

i survived!

2004-07-10T00:16:00.000+08:00

yoyoyo!!! here i am in singapore .the flight itself was not bad...my ears didn't hurt at all...but i felt soooo irritated..man. its worse than ever. what i had worried about really did happen....it was so darn bad..
everything is nice here..except that i'm really fat and everywhere i go now people are going to see how fat i am and they are sure to comment about it..

here i am

2004-07-09T12:43:00.000+08:00

here i am waiting for my cab...i'm going home! so many people have asked me,,,excited? i said no at first cos its really nothing special considering that i talk to my parents everyday and i'm not really enthusiastic about letting them see my fats....but after all the wierd stares that i've been getting after i tell them that i just gave up and nodded....yes..yes...i'm sooo excited.
bit i wonder who i'd be sitting with on the way back...i meet so many interesting people all the time...i really wonder who. and i wonder if i'm able to pass the immigration and wherther the taxi driver would accept the taxi voucher....andi wonder if the taxi i'd be getting on would be my taxi...so many questions and so little answers...i guess i'm a little anxious...
i really wonder what movies i'm going watch....i wonder what i'm going to eat...i wonder if i have forgotten anything to bring along....i really hope not...

can't wait.

2004-07-06T16:39:00.000+08:00

really cannot wait to get my little chick next term!!!!!!i hope it won't get killed or anything..
can't wait to go home. can't wait for the flight home. i can imagine sitting there ..knowing that i can be back in my room soon..listening to perfect 10....haha! and being able to study late at night without freezing to death..being able to wait up late.....being able to watch mtv..
there's orchard road and taka..there's suntec and heeren.....there's good old compass point and thomson plaza..
home!this is home....truly....where i know i must be...where my dreams wait for me,where the river always flow...
its too bad that i'm fat now....
its too bad that i've got so much work to catch up with..
its too bad that i can't relax or anything because of that...
its too bad that i have this big pimple on my nose that hurts like shit..
its too bad that i have dehydrated hair
its too bad that my pimple is getting bigger by the second
its too bad that i am just not ready to go back yet cos i've got so much to do and i'm so not presentable in turns of complexion and body shape and height..
its too bad that i actually cut mt hair and its really really gross..
so bored....yey there's so much to do...
bloddy hell my pimple really hurts...

thank you God

2004-07-05T19:41:00.000+08:00

i got back my physics amd apparently i did quite well and i didn't have much careless mistakes so i'm quite happy. i never had imagined that it would be such a happy ending considering how bad it had started. i didn't touch the chapters to be tested until the night before. in order to escape reality i went to sleep till 10 until maxy started to violently abuse me. then i got up and studied a bit..looked at some of the works solutions. jac came in and told me how worried she was and i was planning to console her cos i considered myself to be in quite an ok situation then(i was reading the third out of five exercises but not the textbook or mr thomas's notes. then she told me that she had finished reading EVERTHING-the testbook,the exercises,his notes and all and she was still going to wake up at six the next day to study. that totally woke me out and i found out that i was going to die. it was ok though.thank you God!!!!!! but as for me,don't expect th4e same to happen....miracles are rare.
i cut my hair on saturday night and everyone said that it looked like crap. note to myself:DON'T DO IT AGAIN. PLEASE.

sigh

2004-07-05T19:35:00.000+08:00

just a few more days ...just a few more..hang on there...i realised that my blog is hell boring cos i usually use it to lecture myself...haha..sorry about that,but this is going to continue .
thanks to xuan for helping me set up the bio presentation. owe you one!
why why why didn't i hand in my bio thing wheni remembered about it?now i'll probably be penalised.

hahahaha

2004-07-01T16:24:00.000+08:00

i'm done with the tests this week and i'm soooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!
chem was ok..average was 56% and i got 82%.and physics was really upsetting as it was sooooooo easy but i couldn't do it...i told myself to study the ray diagrams but i just forgot!can you believe it?it was on sight and light and i forgot to study thr ray diagrams-morever,it was the most basic one of simple plane mirror!maybe i should just crawl under the table amd die..i should.
Dr. Ireland is the by far the best maths teacher that i have ever had...for the whole of the 1 hour and 10 min of the class he was prancing about...physically illustrating what velocity in terms of differatin was(i don't really know what he was talking about as i wasn't listening). if you do listen during his class,you don't need to study for the test even if its something new.but i just couldn't be bothered .and i really am so sorry.he rocks. to think that someone with a phd degree would come to teach a high school and still be one of the most nicest teacher is just soooooooo cool. and i rarely praise teachers like this come on i am the waost type of students that teachers can ever get and i used to hate them and they used to hate me(some still do)..so this Dr Ireland really is great!!!
Mrs Lydon is another one.i think i've said so before no matter how tired or frustrated she is she still appears at her best...always smiling and enthusiastically explaining biology in the most colourful way (that you would think that bio is exciting)in a motherly tone... whether the appearance is genuine or it still something that i totally appreciate and must learn.
today i was upset for a while cos i didn't get...... still don't know why. tis discouraging..but i won't geive up just yet. i must keep on going ..cos goodness knows the joy that you get when you do well in a test..its just above everthing!!!! you rocket to the top!!! but that happened to me in life only a few times.....but its definitely the greatest thing that you van ever experience in your life!!!!!!!
i don't know what to do about this weekend though...

what on earth am i supposed to do?

2004-06-28T13:11:00.000+08:00

help oh help...i've never been in so much trouble before...i've three tests coming and i have studied for none...and there are so many notes to put into my calculator...thats the worst part. i know that i must finish my e lit essay plan by today.i must i must i must